Home

We are home. Home from our trip. Home with our kids. Home to our work and ministry. And I'm left pondering where my home really is. I went on this trip thinking that surely God would confirm a big move in our future...maybe across the country or even the world. I left with more peace about the possibility of staying in Grand Rapids. That completely freaks me out and confuses me more than I can say. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I felt sick most of the week, and longed for my own space and bed, or truly a leading in my life, but I'm still trying to process it all. I'm scared to settle. I feel like I've talked and desired something 'big', and staying would be failure. Life elsewhere seems more noble for some reason. Life elsewhere seems more adventurous, exciting, fun. But is that what I want? What is it I'm looking for, and why do I think I can't find it in Grand Rapids? Is my continual longing to move based on fear or following? I'm not sure.


I'm waiting for God to speak clearly to me about our future. He's being silent. Or maybe my ears are plugged. I'm frustrated in not knowing our next step. Will we be in the same place a year from now? And how can I go see the brokenness, poverty, joy and beauty of another country and be content in Grand Rapids? I don't mean that people cannot be happy here, but I've never sensed this was my final destination. Maybe all this discontent is more to do with this world and the fact that I'm just passing through. Maybe the longing of my heart is more for my heavenly home than another location while here on earth. I don't know.

We'll see where all this processing takes Marc and I. I'm thrilled Marc was there to share the experience with me, and that we can process these things together. Praying for discernment.