2 years ago today I found out that we had lost our baby at just over 10 weeks. 2 years ago tomorrow is when I miscarried.
It's amazing how much healing God has brought through those 2 years. He has brought us HOPE - both literally and emotionally. He has shown us his unending faithfulness. He has offered us comfort. He has allowed us to use our pain and experience to minister and encourage others. He has provided. He has brought us joy through community.
My heart still aches for the little one we will not meet this side of heaven, but I am encouraged in knowing that my little one is in the Father's arms and He loves our baby even more than we can imagine.
And in a week that could prove to be difficult as I remember what was happening 2 years ago, God has once again been offering us so many answers to prayer. I am blessed.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Heaven?
How do you explain Heaven to a 3 year old?
The other day when Officer Slot was killed, I had the news on and Isaac was enthralled by the police cars he saw on TV. He asked about it and I told him a simple version of what happened.
Tonight, we went to our neighborhood association meeting. There was a police officer there and Isaac was SO excited to go say "Hi" to him. When we left, he wanted to run back in because he "forgot to tell him something". We didn't go back in, but I asked Isaac about what he wanted to tell him. He said he wanted to tell the officer that another police officer died last week. I told Isaac that Officer Slot was a friend of the officer we just met. Isaac got a really concerned look on his face, and I said, "That's pretty sad, isn't it buddy. Should we pray for Officer Slots family?" His response? "YES! We should pray that he comes back to life again." The faith of a child. He certainly listens when we read stories of Jesus bringing healing and life to many in the Bible. He got a little smile and said, "I know where the police officer is!" "Where?" "In heaven!". I told him he was correct and that heaven was a beautiful place where we get to be with God forever. He asked if the officer was going to be back for his next birthday, as if Heaven were across the country or a mere plane trip away. I told him no, and that he wouldn't be able to come back to life and be with his family like he hoped. Isaac literally teared up and told me he didn't want to go to Heaven.
Oh how I wish I could have tape recorded the conversation that followed about what heaven is and what it isn't, who would be there and why people get to go, and how old will we be when we die, and if Young is going to be in heaven, and how he's already seen Adam & Eve in the bible, so he doesn't need to meet them, and how he thinks it would be so cool to have a body that doesn't get hurt and on and on it went...
How do you explain heaven to a 3 year old?
The other day when Officer Slot was killed, I had the news on and Isaac was enthralled by the police cars he saw on TV. He asked about it and I told him a simple version of what happened.
Tonight, we went to our neighborhood association meeting. There was a police officer there and Isaac was SO excited to go say "Hi" to him. When we left, he wanted to run back in because he "forgot to tell him something". We didn't go back in, but I asked Isaac about what he wanted to tell him. He said he wanted to tell the officer that another police officer died last week. I told Isaac that Officer Slot was a friend of the officer we just met. Isaac got a really concerned look on his face, and I said, "That's pretty sad, isn't it buddy. Should we pray for Officer Slots family?" His response? "YES! We should pray that he comes back to life again." The faith of a child. He certainly listens when we read stories of Jesus bringing healing and life to many in the Bible. He got a little smile and said, "I know where the police officer is!" "Where?" "In heaven!". I told him he was correct and that heaven was a beautiful place where we get to be with God forever. He asked if the officer was going to be back for his next birthday, as if Heaven were across the country or a mere plane trip away. I told him no, and that he wouldn't be able to come back to life and be with his family like he hoped. Isaac literally teared up and told me he didn't want to go to Heaven.
Oh how I wish I could have tape recorded the conversation that followed about what heaven is and what it isn't, who would be there and why people get to go, and how old will we be when we die, and if Young is going to be in heaven, and how he's already seen Adam & Eve in the bible, so he doesn't need to meet them, and how he thinks it would be so cool to have a body that doesn't get hurt and on and on it went...
How do you explain heaven to a 3 year old?
Monday, October 17, 2011
Tuned in
On Sunday, our high school youth group had a retreat day at Camp Roger with Church of the Servant and Alger Park. We did the adventure course, had some yummy crock pot soup/chili, and worshiped by the campfire. It was a gorgeous day to be outdoors enjoying God's creativity in nature.
The other youth pastors & I planned and led the worship, which had two themes. First, we tied into the idea of belaying on the ropes course. We gave each student a carabiner and read through Psalm 121 (Read here). We asked the students who or what they were attaching their carabiner to throughout their days - God or red bull or video games or.... you get the idea. If you are attaching it to your music, when you start to 'fall' - is your music going to save you?
The second theme was that of being tuned in. We sat in silence with our eyes closed while one of the other youth pastors had a old school dial radio that she was 'tuning' and stopping on various stations - some were clear (we got to hear part of the song 'addicted to love') and others completely static. We talked about the noise that is in our daily lives and how that makes it so difficult to tune in to God.
Then I talked about the noise Jesus must have had in his life: pharisees questioning him, disciples following him, whole towns arriving on his doorstep to have him heal their sick and demon possessed. Yet he always connected to the Father. He went off to solitary places to pray. Early in the morning. I made an assumption that when Jesus went off to pray - I doubt he talked the whole time. I'm pretty sure he listened, too. We're not very good at that - in life and in prayer. I like the sound of my own voice too much, and for some reason, I think what I have to say to God is much more important than what he has to say to me. I then led a Lectio Divina on Psalm 121. We ended by singing "Be Still and Know".
We challenged the students to try to eliminate some of the noise in their lives and listen to God.
SO...(here's the real point to my post) Tonight as I was driving to my dear friends house to hold a Blessings Unlimited gathering, I turned off the radio in my car and eliminated some noise. I sang, "Great is Thy Faithfulness". I needed to remind myself about the amazing faithfulness of my Father. I forget. I'm like an Israelite. And that song just came to me to sing. I felt prompted to sing it. And I felt a peace wash over me.
You see, the thing I attach my carabiner to is my money. Not because I have a lot any. Not because I think it will save me. Not because I want to be rich. But my identity is attached to my lack of money. To my debt. I feel like I want so badly to unhook myself from it, but I can't. It's dragging me down and I kind of trust that God will help me.
The other youth pastors & I planned and led the worship, which had two themes. First, we tied into the idea of belaying on the ropes course. We gave each student a carabiner and read through Psalm 121 (Read here). We asked the students who or what they were attaching their carabiner to throughout their days - God or red bull or video games or.... you get the idea. If you are attaching it to your music, when you start to 'fall' - is your music going to save you?
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
The second theme was that of being tuned in. We sat in silence with our eyes closed while one of the other youth pastors had a old school dial radio that she was 'tuning' and stopping on various stations - some were clear (we got to hear part of the song 'addicted to love') and others completely static. We talked about the noise that is in our daily lives and how that makes it so difficult to tune in to God.
Then I talked about the noise Jesus must have had in his life: pharisees questioning him, disciples following him, whole towns arriving on his doorstep to have him heal their sick and demon possessed. Yet he always connected to the Father. He went off to solitary places to pray. Early in the morning. I made an assumption that when Jesus went off to pray - I doubt he talked the whole time. I'm pretty sure he listened, too. We're not very good at that - in life and in prayer. I like the sound of my own voice too much, and for some reason, I think what I have to say to God is much more important than what he has to say to me. I then led a Lectio Divina on Psalm 121. We ended by singing "Be Still and Know".
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
We challenged the students to try to eliminate some of the noise in their lives and listen to God.
SO...(here's the real point to my post) Tonight as I was driving to my dear friends house to hold a Blessings Unlimited gathering, I turned off the radio in my car and eliminated some noise. I sang, "Great is Thy Faithfulness". I needed to remind myself about the amazing faithfulness of my Father. I forget. I'm like an Israelite. And that song just came to me to sing. I felt prompted to sing it. And I felt a peace wash over me.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
You see, the thing I attach my carabiner to is my money. Not because I have
Oh, and I requested from our church council that I stay at 30 hours a week, rather than be reduced to 25 hours a week. My request was denied. I know there are reasons, but when I found out on Sunday, I felt my heart drop out from inside me. Five hours less to do my job? YIKES! Five hours less from my paycheck? YIKES! Fear set in.
BUT, GREAT IS THEY FAITHFULNESS.
I prayed about this Blessings Unlimited gathering all day. I'm praying for God's favor on this business adventure of mine - that it might help us be released from this sinking ship of debt. And wouldn't you know it? God heard me (oh wait - he always does). The gathering itself was delightful - a great group of women gathered - and the hostess was top notch. ;) The sales went well, but better than that - 2 women set dates to host a gathering themselves, AND someone wants to start selling. That means I will be 'promoted' to team leader rather than just consultant. WHOO HOO! :)
And to top it off, on my way home, I got good news regarding a few of our medical bills that will be covered.
It truly felt like a night of Blessings Unlimited!
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Ugh.
That's how I've been feeling lately. Ugh.
I think it's a combination of many different things, but the main one being my stinkin' hormones. Since Hope quit nursing I have been reminded of the ups and downs of non-pregnant-non-nursing hormones. And let me tell you - they ain't pretty! I feel like a 14 year old girl again battling zits and insecurity. I think Marc is often wondering if there are small animals living in our shower drain, but no, it's just all the hair I lose each and every day. My exhaustion is reminiscent of my first trimester of pregnancy (and no, I'm not). On top of the hormones, my ugh-ness is steming from NOTHING happening with Quimby and me starting to really second guess having it on the market and not finding renters. It felt like such a clear decision back in June/July. And now, after reducing it over $15k since we originally put it up and still no movement, I'm daily anxious about what this means for our credit, our integrity, our responsibility. Some days it feels like too much to bear, but I realize it's such a small thing compared to the suffering in the world around me.
I just long for freedom from Quimby and from debt more than I can articulate. It is the deep longing of my heart, and I think I would collapse in silent but grateful tears if either happened. I honestly cannot fathom a life without either, and feel so completely enslaved by them both that it starts to suck my joy dry.
I am continually asking the Lord to remove these burdens, and it's hard after 3 years of dealing with Quimby to have made no progress at all. Why?
In my Bible study this week, this short paragraph popped out at me:
"What will we do when we can't explain what Jesus is doing? Will we remain nearby when He doesn't stop a tragedy? Based on earthly evidence, human reasoning concludes that He is either mean or weak. Think, Beloved, about what I'm saying. Will we cling when our human reasoning implies that evil has defeated Him? Or that evil seems to be found in Him? Will we stand by faith when human logic says to run? That's what will make us different."
I'm trying to trust and remain near unto God when I can't explain why he's not answering our prayers. Please pray for us to learn what God wants us to learn, for us to remain faithful to our very faithful God, and for my anxiety and ugh-ness to dissipate into peace and joy.
I think it's a combination of many different things, but the main one being my stinkin' hormones. Since Hope quit nursing I have been reminded of the ups and downs of non-pregnant-non-nursing hormones. And let me tell you - they ain't pretty! I feel like a 14 year old girl again battling zits and insecurity. I think Marc is often wondering if there are small animals living in our shower drain, but no, it's just all the hair I lose each and every day. My exhaustion is reminiscent of my first trimester of pregnancy (and no, I'm not). On top of the hormones, my ugh-ness is steming from NOTHING happening with Quimby and me starting to really second guess having it on the market and not finding renters. It felt like such a clear decision back in June/July. And now, after reducing it over $15k since we originally put it up and still no movement, I'm daily anxious about what this means for our credit, our integrity, our responsibility. Some days it feels like too much to bear, but I realize it's such a small thing compared to the suffering in the world around me.
I just long for freedom from Quimby and from debt more than I can articulate. It is the deep longing of my heart, and I think I would collapse in silent but grateful tears if either happened. I honestly cannot fathom a life without either, and feel so completely enslaved by them both that it starts to suck my joy dry.
I am continually asking the Lord to remove these burdens, and it's hard after 3 years of dealing with Quimby to have made no progress at all. Why?
In my Bible study this week, this short paragraph popped out at me:
"What will we do when we can't explain what Jesus is doing? Will we remain nearby when He doesn't stop a tragedy? Based on earthly evidence, human reasoning concludes that He is either mean or weak. Think, Beloved, about what I'm saying. Will we cling when our human reasoning implies that evil has defeated Him? Or that evil seems to be found in Him? Will we stand by faith when human logic says to run? That's what will make us different."
I'm trying to trust and remain near unto God when I can't explain why he's not answering our prayers. Please pray for us to learn what God wants us to learn, for us to remain faithful to our very faithful God, and for my anxiety and ugh-ness to dissipate into peace and joy.
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