Ugh.

That's how I've been feeling lately. Ugh.

I think it's a combination of many different things, but the main one being my stinkin' hormones. Since Hope quit nursing I have been reminded of the ups and downs of non-pregnant-non-nursing hormones. And let me tell you - they ain't pretty! I feel like a 14 year old girl again battling zits and insecurity. I think Marc is often wondering if there are small animals living in our shower drain, but no, it's just all the hair I lose each and every day. My exhaustion is reminiscent of my first trimester of pregnancy (and no, I'm not). On top of the hormones, my ugh-ness is steming from NOTHING happening with Quimby and me starting to really second guess having it on the market and not finding renters. It felt like such a clear decision back in June/July. And now, after reducing it over $15k since we originally put it up and still no movement, I'm daily anxious about what this means for our credit, our integrity, our responsibility. Some days it feels like too much to bear, but I realize it's such a small thing compared to the suffering in the world around me.

I just long for freedom from Quimby and from debt more than I can articulate. It is the deep longing of my heart, and I think I would collapse in silent but grateful tears if either happened. I honestly cannot fathom a life without either, and feel so completely enslaved by them both that it starts to suck my joy dry.

I am continually asking the Lord to remove these burdens, and it's hard after 3 years of dealing with Quimby to have made no progress at all. Why?

In my Bible study this week, this short paragraph popped out at me:

"What will we do when we can't explain what Jesus is doing? Will we remain nearby when He doesn't stop a tragedy? Based on earthly evidence, human reasoning concludes that He is either mean or weak. Think, Beloved, about what I'm saying. Will we cling when our human reasoning implies that evil has defeated Him? Or that evil seems to be found in Him? Will we stand by faith when human logic says to run? That's what will make us different."

I'm trying to trust and remain near unto God when I can't explain why he's not answering our prayers. Please pray for us to learn what God wants us to learn, for us to remain faithful to our very faithful God, and for my anxiety and ugh-ness to dissipate into peace and joy.